Walking on Eggshells

It's not breaking the eggs that does the lasting harm;important things about you as a person - not his
it's the continual walking eggshells. Emotional damagebehavior or your reaction to it. As you reinforce and
has a way of lingering in the times betweenreconnect with your core value, you are far less likely
resentful, angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty, dullto be a victim. As you experience the enormous
ache of unhappiness is most accurately measured indepth of your core value, the last thing you will want
the accumulative effect of these small moments ofto do is identify with being a victim, i.e. with "damage"
disconnection, isolation, and dread. If you live with aor with bad things that have happened to you. In
resentful, angry, or abusive partner, you probablyyour core value you will identify with your inherent
have a vague feeling, at least now and then, thatstrengths, talents, skills, and power as a unique,
you have lost yourself. In your constant efforts toever-growing, competent, and compassionate person.
tiptoe around someone else's moods in the hope ofYou want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not
avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, sighs ofsimply survive it, and you do that only by realizing
disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly edityour fullest value as a person. You Both Walk on
what you say. You second-guess your ownEggshells If you feel that you are walking on
judgment, your own ideas, and your owneggshells, you probably do not realize that your
preferences about how to live. You begin to questionpartner is, too, though in a different way. He is so
what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, yourreactive to you and so unable to regulate his
perceptions of reality and your very sense of selfreactions that he constantly expects you to say or
change for the worse. The cold fact is that it's harddo something that will "push his buttons" and "make"
not to lose yourself in the morass of what youhim withdraw or attack. He feels that you are totally
should say or what you need to do (to keep thingsin control of his emotions, and all he can do is pout or
peaceful) and how you're supposed to be at anyshout like a defiant child. He feels that you control
given moment. If you have to be one thing onehim. The Pendulum of Pain Please do not make the
minute and behave a different way in anothermistake of thinking that you can heal yourself simply
(depending on your partner's moods), yourby getting in touch with your understandable
confidence and sense of self can seem to disappear.resentment and anger and leaving your relationship.
You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim yourself orMost of the women who leave (or nearly leave) out
begin to feel better until he changes and startsof resentment and anger end up returning out of
treating you better. The understandable but tragicguilt, shame, and anxiety, when they see how lost
expectation that you are dependent on him for yourtheir husbands seem without them. They enjoy a
emotional well being is the first thing you mustbrief honeymoon period following the reunion, until
change. You must heal and grow, whether or not hethe tension returns and the resentment and anger
changes. Although our inborn sense of fairness andget overwhelming. So they leave again (or withdraw
justice tells you that he ought to be the one toemotionally from their husbands), only to face
make changes, your pain tells you that you need torenewed guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety,
become the fully alive person you are meant to be.once the resentment and anger subside. Sometimes
This means that you have to remove the focuseconomic considerations drive women to return to
from him and put it squarely on you. Happily, that isthese relationships, but they are not the most
also the best thing you can do the help him and yourcompelling factor. Research shows that women with
relationship. This book will help you reclaim your truemeans return to walking-on-eggshells relationships as
sense of self. That is its primary goal. But it will alsooften as women who are financially dependent. My
help change your relationship. All the tools you needown mother, like many of my clients, was the sole
to heal are in these pages. All the tools that he needssupport of our family, yet she returned to my
to replace resentment, anger, or abusive behaviorunemployed, resentful, angry, and abusive father 13
with compassion are also in these pages. The firsttimes in my first 11 years of life. This pattern of
part of the book is about reintegrating your deepestleaving (or nearly leaving) out of anger and
values into your everyday sense of self. This willresentment, only to return out of guilt, shame, and
make you feel more valuable, confident, andanxiety is a hallmark of walking on eggshells. I call it a
powerful, regardless of what your partner -- orpendulum of pain. It has nothing to do with your
anyone else -- says or does. As you read these"indecisiveness" or your personality. It follows from
pages and reconnect to your deepest values, you willthe strengths of your emotions, from your
naturally, forcefully, and compassionately demandattachment to your husband, which we'll explore
value and respect from your partner. Yourmore in the next chapter. Resentment and anger at
compassionate demand for change is likely to be theloved ones always resolve into guilt, shame, and
only thing that will motivate him to once again be theabandonment anxiety. These painful, completely
man you married. But whether or not he changes,irrational emotions keep you attached to your
you must connect with your enormous inner value,husband no matter how bad the relationship is -
resources, and personal power to stop walking onthese emotions developed in our brains at a time
eggshells and to emerge as the richly creative,when to leave the tribe meant certain death on your
beautiful whole person you truly are. The Worstown, by starvation or saber tooth tiger. As long as
Things One of the worst things that can happen toyou love someone, the only way to keep
your health and happiness is to live with a resentful,resentment and anger from turning to guilt, shame,
angry, or abusive partner. The worst thing you canand anxiety is to stay resentful and angry all the
do to your soul is become a resentful, angry, ortime. It might be safer if you did stay resentful and
abusive partner. And the worst thing you canangry all the time, but that is probably not your
develop in a love relationship is an identity as a victim,nature. When your resentment subsides and your
which destroys your personal power and solid senseanger is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone you
of self. The cry I hear over and over again fromlove in distress can become overwhelming and make
women who walk on eggshells is, "I don't like theyou return to your now-remorseful, if not helpless,
resentful, angry person he's made me." To stoppartner. However, if he does not learn to regulate his
walking on eggshells, you must overcomeresentment, anger, or abusive behavior with
abusiveness and victim-identity. Your emphasis mustcompassion for himself and for you, the pendulum will
be on healing, growth, and empowerment. The trueswing back and forth, again and again.
issue at stake is your core value - the most