| It's not breaking the eggs that does the
| |
| | person - not his behavior or your
|
| lasting harm; it's the continual walking
| |
| | reaction to it. As you reinforce and
|
| eggshells. Emotional damage has a way of
| |
| | reconnect with your core value, you are
|
| lingering in the times between resentful,
| |
| | far less likely to be a victim. As you
|
| angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty,
| |
| | experience the enormous depth of your
|
| dull ache of unhappiness is most
| |
| | core value, the last thing you will want
|
| accurately measured in the accumulative
| |
| | to do is identify with being a victim,
|
| effect of these small moments of
| |
| | i.e. with "damage" or with bad things
|
| disconnection, isolation, and dread. If
| |
| | that have happened to you. In your core
|
| you live with a resentful, angry, or
| |
| | value you will identify with your
|
| abusive partner, you probably have a
| |
| | inherent strengths, talents, skills, and
|
| vague feeling, at least now and then,
| |
| | power as a unique, ever-growing,
|
| that you have lost yourself. In your
| |
| | competent, and compassionate person. You
|
| constant efforts to tiptoe around someone
| |
| | want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not
|
| else's moods in the hope of avoiding
| |
| | simply survive it, and you do that only
|
| blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, sighs of
| |
| | by realizing your fullest value as a
|
| disapproval, or cold shoulders, you
| |
| | person. You Both Walk on Eggshells If
|
| constantly edit what you say. You
| |
| | you feel that you are walking on
|
| second-guess your own judgment, your own
| |
| | eggshells, you probably do not realize
|
| ideas, and your own preferences about how
| |
| | that your partner is, too, though in a
|
| to live. You begin to question what you
| |
| | different way. He is so reactive to you
|
| think is right and wrong. Ultimately,
| |
| | and so unable to regulate his reactions
|
| your perceptions of reality and your very
| |
| | that he constantly expects you to say or
|
| sense of self change for the worse. The
| |
| | do something that will "push his buttons"
|
| cold fact is that it's hard not to lose
| |
| | and "make" him withdraw or attack. He
|
| yourself in the morass of what you should
| |
| | feels that you are totally in control of
|
| say or what you need to do (to keep
| |
| | his emotions, and all he can do is pout
|
| things peaceful) and how you're supposed
| |
| | or shout like a defiant child. He feels
|
| to be at any given moment. If you have to
| |
| | that you control him. The Pendulum of
|
| be one thing one minute and behave a
| |
| | Pain Please do not make the mistake of
|
| different way in another (depending on
| |
| | thinking that you can heal yourself
|
| your partner's moods), your confidence
| |
| | simply by getting in touch with your
|
| and sense of self can seem to disappear.
| |
| | understandable resentment and anger and
|
| You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim
| |
| | leaving your relationship. Most of the
|
| yourself or begin to feel better until he
| |
| | women who leave (or nearly leave) out of
|
| changes and starts treating you better.
| |
| | resentment and anger end up returning out
|
| The understandable but tragic expectation
| |
| | of guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they
|
| that you are dependent on him for your
| |
| | see how lost their husbands seem without
|
| emotional well being is the first thing
| |
| | them. They enjoy a brief honeymoon period
|
| you must change. You must heal and grow,
| |
| | following the reunion, until the tension
|
| whether or not he changes. Although our
| |
| | returns and the resentment and anger get
|
| inborn sense of fairness and justice
| |
| | overwhelming. So they leave again (or
|
| tells you that he ought to be the one to
| |
| | withdraw emotionally from their
|
| make changes, your pain tells you that
| |
| | husbands), only to face renewed guilt,
|
| you need to become the fully alive person
| |
| | shame, and abandonment anxiety, once the
|
| you are meant to be. This means that you
| |
| | resentment and anger subside. Sometimes
|
| have to remove the focus from him and put
| |
| | economic considerations drive women to
|
| it squarely on you. Happily, that is also
| |
| | return to these relationships, but they
|
| the best thing you can do the help him
| |
| | are not the most compelling factor.
|
| and your relationship. This book will
| |
| | Research shows that women with means
|
| help you reclaim your true sense of self.
| |
| | return to walking-on-eggshells
|
| That is its primary goal. But it will
| |
| | relationships as often as women who are
|
| also help change your relationship. All
| |
| | financially dependent. My own mother,
|
| the tools you need to heal are in these
| |
| | like many of my clients, was the sole
|
| pages. All the tools that he needs to
| |
| | support of our family, yet she returned
|
| replace resentment, anger, or abusive
| |
| | to my unemployed, resentful, angry, and
|
| behavior with compassion are also in
| |
| | abusive father 13 times in my first 11
|
| these pages. The first part of the book
| |
| | years of life. This pattern of leaving
|
| is about reintegrating your deepest
| |
| | (or nearly leaving) out of anger and
|
| values into your everyday sense of self.
| |
| | resentment, only to return out of guilt,
|
| This will make you feel more valuable,
| |
| | shame, and anxiety is a hallmark of
|
| confident, and powerful, regardless of
| |
| | walking on eggshells. I call it a
|
| what your partner -- or anyone else --
| |
| | pendulum of pain. It has nothing to do
|
| says or does. As you read these pages and
| |
| | with your "indecisiveness" or your
|
| reconnect to your deepest values, you
| |
| | personality. It follows from the
|
| will naturally, forcefully, and
| |
| | strengths of your emotions, from your
|
| compassionately demand value and respect
| |
| | attachment to your husband, which we'll
|
| from your partner. Your compassionate
| |
| | explore more in the next chapter.
|
| demand for change is likely to be the
| |
| | Resentment and anger at loved ones always
|
| only thing that will motivate him to once
| |
| | resolve into guilt, shame, and
|
| again be the man you married. But whether
| |
| | abandonment anxiety. These painful,
|
| or not he changes, you must connect with
| |
| | completely irrational emotions keep you
|
| your enormous inner value, resources, and
| |
| | attached to your husband no matter how
|
| personal power to stop walking on
| |
| | bad the relationship is - these emotions
|
| eggshells and to emerge as the richly
| |
| | developed in our brains at a time when to
|
| creative, beautiful whole person you
| |
| | leave the tribe meant certain death on
|
| truly are. The Worst Things One of the
| |
| | your own, by starvation or saber tooth
|
| worst things that can happen to your
| |
| | tiger. As long as you love someone, the
|
| health and happiness is to live with a
| |
| | only way to keep resentment and anger
|
| resentful, angry, or abusive partner. The
| |
| | from turning to guilt, shame, and anxiety
|
| worst thing you can do to your soul is
| |
| | is to stay resentful and angry all the
|
| become a resentful, angry, or abusive
| |
| | time. It might be safer if you did stay
|
| partner. And the worst thing you can
| |
| | resentful and angry all the time, but
|
| develop in a love relationship is an
| |
| | that is probably not your nature. When
|
| identity as a victim, which destroys your
| |
| | your resentment subsides and your anger
|
| personal power and solid sense of self.
| |
| | is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone
|
| The cry I hear over and over again from
| |
| | you love in distress can become
|
| women who walk on eggshells is, "I don't
| |
| | overwhelming and make you return to your
|
| like the resentful, angry person he's
| |
| | now-remorseful, if not helpless, partner.
|
| made me." To stop walking on eggshells,
| |
| | However, if he does not learn to regulate
|
| you must overcome abusiveness and
| |
| | his resentment, anger, or abusive
|
| victim-identity. Your emphasis must be on
| |
| | behavior with compassion for himself and
|
| healing, growth, and empowerment. The
| |
| | for you, the pendulum will swing back and
|
| true issue at stake is your core value -
| |
| | forth, again and again.
|
| the most important things about you as a
| |
| |
|
