| It's not breaking the eggs that does the lasting harm; | | | | important things about you as a person - not his |
| it's the continual walking eggshells. Emotional damage | | | | behavior or your reaction to it. As you reinforce and |
| has a way of lingering in the times between | | | | reconnect with your core value, you are far less likely |
| resentful, angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty, dull | | | | to be a victim. As you experience the enormous |
| ache of unhappiness is most accurately measured in | | | | depth of your core value, the last thing you will want |
| the accumulative effect of these small moments of | | | | to do is identify with being a victim, i.e. with "damage" |
| disconnection, isolation, and dread. If you live with a | | | | or with bad things that have happened to you. In |
| resentful, angry, or abusive partner, you probably | | | | your core value you will identify with your inherent |
| have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that | | | | strengths, talents, skills, and power as a unique, |
| you have lost yourself. In your constant efforts to | | | | ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. |
| tiptoe around someone else's moods in the hope of | | | | You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not |
| avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, sighs of | | | | simply survive it, and you do that only by realizing |
| disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly edit | | | | your fullest value as a person. You Both Walk on |
| what you say. You second-guess your own | | | | Eggshells If you feel that you are walking on |
| judgment, your own ideas, and your own | | | | eggshells, you probably do not realize that your |
| preferences about how to live. You begin to question | | | | partner is, too, though in a different way. He is so |
| what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your | | | | reactive to you and so unable to regulate his |
| perceptions of reality and your very sense of self | | | | reactions that he constantly expects you to say or |
| change for the worse. The cold fact is that it's hard | | | | do something that will "push his buttons" and "make" |
| not to lose yourself in the morass of what you | | | | him withdraw or attack. He feels that you are totally |
| should say or what you need to do (to keep things | | | | in control of his emotions, and all he can do is pout or |
| peaceful) and how you're supposed to be at any | | | | shout like a defiant child. He feels that you control |
| given moment. If you have to be one thing one | | | | him. The Pendulum of Pain Please do not make the |
| minute and behave a different way in another | | | | mistake of thinking that you can heal yourself simply |
| (depending on your partner's moods), your | | | | by getting in touch with your understandable |
| confidence and sense of self can seem to disappear. | | | | resentment and anger and leaving your relationship. |
| You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim yourself or | | | | Most of the women who leave (or nearly leave) out |
| begin to feel better until he changes and starts | | | | of resentment and anger end up returning out of |
| treating you better. The understandable but tragic | | | | guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they see how lost |
| expectation that you are dependent on him for your | | | | their husbands seem without them. They enjoy a |
| emotional well being is the first thing you must | | | | brief honeymoon period following the reunion, until |
| change. You must heal and grow, whether or not he | | | | the tension returns and the resentment and anger |
| changes. Although our inborn sense of fairness and | | | | get overwhelming. So they leave again (or withdraw |
| justice tells you that he ought to be the one to | | | | emotionally from their husbands), only to face |
| make changes, your pain tells you that you need to | | | | renewed guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety, |
| become the fully alive person you are meant to be. | | | | once the resentment and anger subside. Sometimes |
| This means that you have to remove the focus | | | | economic considerations drive women to return to |
| from him and put it squarely on you. Happily, that is | | | | these relationships, but they are not the most |
| also the best thing you can do the help him and your | | | | compelling factor. Research shows that women with |
| relationship. This book will help you reclaim your true | | | | means return to walking-on-eggshells relationships as |
| sense of self. That is its primary goal. But it will also | | | | often as women who are financially dependent. My |
| help change your relationship. All the tools you need | | | | own mother, like many of my clients, was the sole |
| to heal are in these pages. All the tools that he needs | | | | support of our family, yet she returned to my |
| to replace resentment, anger, or abusive behavior | | | | unemployed, resentful, angry, and abusive father 13 |
| with compassion are also in these pages. The first | | | | times in my first 11 years of life. This pattern of |
| part of the book is about reintegrating your deepest | | | | leaving (or nearly leaving) out of anger and |
| values into your everyday sense of self. This will | | | | resentment, only to return out of guilt, shame, and |
| make you feel more valuable, confident, and | | | | anxiety is a hallmark of walking on eggshells. I call it a |
| powerful, regardless of what your partner -- or | | | | pendulum of pain. It has nothing to do with your |
| anyone else -- says or does. As you read these | | | | "indecisiveness" or your personality. It follows from |
| pages and reconnect to your deepest values, you will | | | | the strengths of your emotions, from your |
| naturally, forcefully, and compassionately demand | | | | attachment to your husband, which we'll explore |
| value and respect from your partner. Your | | | | more in the next chapter. Resentment and anger at |
| compassionate demand for change is likely to be the | | | | loved ones always resolve into guilt, shame, and |
| only thing that will motivate him to once again be the | | | | abandonment anxiety. These painful, completely |
| man you married. But whether or not he changes, | | | | irrational emotions keep you attached to your |
| you must connect with your enormous inner value, | | | | husband no matter how bad the relationship is - |
| resources, and personal power to stop walking on | | | | these emotions developed in our brains at a time |
| eggshells and to emerge as the richly creative, | | | | when to leave the tribe meant certain death on your |
| beautiful whole person you truly are. The Worst | | | | own, by starvation or saber tooth tiger. As long as |
| Things One of the worst things that can happen to | | | | you love someone, the only way to keep |
| your health and happiness is to live with a resentful, | | | | resentment and anger from turning to guilt, shame, |
| angry, or abusive partner. The worst thing you can | | | | and anxiety is to stay resentful and angry all the |
| do to your soul is become a resentful, angry, or | | | | time. It might be safer if you did stay resentful and |
| abusive partner. And the worst thing you can | | | | angry all the time, but that is probably not your |
| develop in a love relationship is an identity as a victim, | | | | nature. When your resentment subsides and your |
| which destroys your personal power and solid sense | | | | anger is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone you |
| of self. The cry I hear over and over again from | | | | love in distress can become overwhelming and make |
| women who walk on eggshells is, "I don't like the | | | | you return to your now-remorseful, if not helpless, |
| resentful, angry person he's made me." To stop | | | | partner. However, if he does not learn to regulate his |
| walking on eggshells, you must overcome | | | | resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with |
| abusiveness and victim-identity. Your emphasis must | | | | compassion for himself and for you, the pendulum will |
| be on healing, growth, and empowerment. The true | | | | swing back and forth, again and again. |
| issue at stake is your core value - the most | | | | |